3:18

 It’s 3:18 in the morning. And I can’t sleep. I’m bleeding words that aren’t supposed to bleed out of me. I am thinking of thoughts that aren’t supposed to come to me. I am writing poems I can’t write during the day without feeling exhausted both mentally and physically. I know for sure that I can no longer write the same as I used to. I know for sure that I don’t have much time to spend on other stuff. But I just still do these things. I draw. I write. I watch movies.

I can never resist a good movie nor an urge to draw.

I wish I were asleep right now. But I slept in the afternoon that’s why I don’t feel sleepy. That’s why I’m up writing this. We didn’t have class earlier today. I was left alone in the house studying. I felt quite lonely. I don’t always feel lonely. It’s just that sometimes, loneliness comes like a kick. I am surprised. Eating alone for instance had always been okay. I didn’t have a problem with it. But now, when I eat alone in the house when my sister is gone, the loneliness sits on my heart like an elephant. I try to shrug it off. But it always comes.

Maybe we can’t entirely escape loneliness? After all, humans were made to be with another, may it be for companionship or for love and affection.

Reading persons and family relations law made me wonder about myself in the context of a family. The provision on Article 36 of the Family Code really disturbs me. It is about Psychological Incapacity of a spouse to render Marital duties and obligations. And the sample cases are the likes of Chiming Tsoi, Te vs Te, and etc. Most are about personality disorders. Chiming Tsoi’s case was his inability to bed his wife.  While we were discussing in class,  I thought that if I find someone, I may not be able to give that person what they need. I have been living with myself for a while now, ever since I was in high school. I’ve lived far away from home. I only ever looked out for myself until I went to graduate school and my brother, and later on my sister accompanied me here.

When I see how my mother takes care of us, I am always thinking if I could do the same. Is there something wrong with me? There are different forms of love. There are different ways of showing love. Maybe mine is different. But I would never know if I would be competent to care for any one.