Theme: This fanbook is a collection of the artwork I made for tadaai since 2021 until the early half of February 2024. This is not necessarily tadaai exclusive. Most, if not all the works included here are aitada shipper friendly. Specifications: A5, portrait, 64 pages fanbook (including cover and backcover). Colored Perfect bound Laminated C2s […]
Fate: A Tadaai Unofficial fanbook Vol. 1 presented by Noirlevity
Today I was really angry. As in. I have never felt so angry in my entire life. However, this is understandable considering that this is also my first time experiencing malice committed against me. This is not just something ordinary, like just being tattled on the filth you yourself made, but it is malice borne out of sabotage.
I always thought that malice is subtle. It is not. It is clear as daylight. There are tell tale signs. It has a pattern, especially if you are on the receiving end of such malice. When these things dawned on me, I was really surprised. Surprised because dang, malice is not subtle at all. It is like my world shattered upon such realization.
Every encounter just clicks into place and when realization hits you, it is really like a slap to the face.
January is already finished, but I haven’t posted anything yet for the New Year. So let this be a New Year post.
I was actually looking forward to the New Year because my Chinese Zodiac forecast for this year looks promising. However, I started the New Year with stomach pain. The torment of having stomach pain was relieved in the end though so that was fine. Despite that, I had a lot of promising plans for this year. I thought about personal projects and stuff like that.
When I came back to work, there was indeed something promising that was waiting for me. I was offered a beneficial proposal by a colleague. This proposal is for me to jumpstart my career as a practicing lawyer.
One of my plans for this year is to start appearing in court. I want to have experience so that I can start my practice. I asked permission from my boss whether I can accept that proposal My boss is very supportive so he agreed.
However, the punchline here is that it didn’t last long.
I didn’t lose a lot because whenever I go to the office I just go with my Boss. Money wise, I didn’t lose any. I actually gained more. Since I was able to earn, for that month, six thousand pesos (PHP 6000.00) for the stuff I did (not actually for that particular colleague), but for another colleague. So it’s just a win for me. Coming and going to the office though, is hard.
What really happened
Before I go into the details of what really happened, let me first discuss the agreement that is at the backdrop of all of this.
I was asked to come to his office so we could talk. He has been having problems with work. The cause of his problems is stress. Apart from that he also wants to earn more money. That’s why he offered me to become one of his partner. I can practice my profession while he can relieve stress and earn more money.
In that agreement, I would just be a freelancer though. I would not be hired as a full-time employee. I told him I cannot give up my full time job because I have responsibilities. In the end, we agreed that it’s okay if I can’t give it up. I have my employer, and I can still take on jobs from my Boss’ law office. He just wants me to stay there in his office to attract more clients. He said that “He is made for this”, and that practicing, and appearing in court is the essence of the practice. He said that I will realize later on that being in a corporate setting is not it. He offered that apart from earning money, he will also mentor me.
The proposal is so beneficial for me. He said that our share was 50/50. And that I don’t even need to participate in his expenses. I can use his office supplies there for free except in certain circumstances where I have to share with buying the ink for his printer and his bond paper. It was really good on its face. For someone who wants to have more experience in court, it is really beneficial. With that set up, I can already sort of practice having an office for the future.
On top of that, as I said earlier, he is going to mentor me. My boss’ partner was supposed to be that for me. But she has a lot on her plate, so although she helps me, she really can’t be in it 100% to supervise me, which is really something that cannot be helped. I was thinking that since the offer was hard to pass by, I should ask for permission and tell my boss that I wanted it. It is also for my personal growth. Because the proposal was too promising to pass up, I disregarded all the redflags and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Past interactions
I didn’t have much of an interaction with this guy in the beginning. I only see him whenever I am at my Boss’ office and he goes there to “visit” my Boss’ partner, or he goes there to ask questions or other stuff. I have never seen him before. However, I have heard certain things about him. That didn’t bother me much, because I genuinely do not care about him. I wasn’t even curious about him. I just know him to be someone that goes to our office searching for my Boss’ partner.
This guy has come to the office multiple times. Our first conversation was when he went to the office to ask where my Boss’ partner was. And he also asked me to inform people I know who just passed the bar to apply to his office because he wants a freelance partner. He won’t employ that person, he just wants to give that person particular jobs that may help him or her get familiarized with the practice. I did just that of course.
After that I saw him visit the office a couple more times. On his birthday, he invited me to come. So I came. I thought it was just proper for networking so I went there. On Christmas, we had some sort of Christmas party with the lawyers on our floor. He has been saying stuff about how he wants to give me jobs, which is fine by me, because I also want it.
My boss has been telling me that that person likes me, but I just ignored it. I know my boss, he has a tendency to joke around, and to exaggerate stuff, so I don’t take his words about certain things at face value.
I have no capacity to detect or know whether someone likes me. I just do not have the skill set for that, sorry to say. If I have to think about it, my only way to know, whether someone likes me or not, is their actions, or the way they interact with me. And that is if I step into the shoes of a third person.
This guy may have acted interested. He comes onto me quite a lot. Like, he is always the first one to start conversations with me. He gives me an offer that is so beneficial just to make me sorta stay with him. When our agreement is already completed, can you believe that he brought me to our other colleague’s office and announced to her staff that: “It’s official.” There was silence then. The look on the staff’s faces were blank, as if they didn’t know what to make of that. And then, “Not boyfriend or girlfriend but Junior Associate”. Beside him, I was thinking how cringe he was and “what the fuck was that”.
He was really so cringe about that. What would you even think when someone does that? At that time, I was having second hand embarrassment.
Subsequently, he invited another newbie lawyer with the same conditions as I had. Only that, he was not hurrying to give that person a duplicate copy to the key of his office. And when I knew about it, I was able to see, that maybe, he is indeed interested in me… but for all the life in me, I didn’t care! I’m so sorry. I’m not even sure if he is really interested.
Him, me and the newbie had a meeting. The agreement was laid onto the table. He also said that in certain times when we are chill, it’s okay to talk about stuff, like lovelife. I was like, why is he saying this stuff? He didn’t say other topics, he said love life in particular. So I was like ??? He is really a cringe person.
Last January, along with my Boss’ partner and their staff, we celebrated Sinulog. We came to a point that I had to say, I was happy that I have a new found friend. And he inserted that, the reason why he offered the same position to the other newbie lawyer is because I felt awkward around him. How can you feel awkward around someone you don’t care about?
The incident
I didn’t come to the office for four days because I was busy at work and I was exhausted so I took a break. In the meeting with the newbie lawyer, he told her that I don’t even need to inform him whenever I go to the office. Usually, I would inform him whenever I can or can’t go to his office. However, after he said that it’s okay not to inform him, I didn’t bother to tell him I was going to be absent.
The incident happened right after I appeared at his office after being absent. I was told that in those four days he was searching for me at my Boss’ office. If he wanted something for me, he could have texted me or chatted with me, but he didn’t do any of that. One thing I noticed is he doesn’t really communicate anything regarding work if he thinks I will not go to his office. I thought this was odd.
Apart from the cringe stuff that made me ??? another questionable moment for me was him favoring Arial as a font. He was saying that all the pleadings we would be making for him should have the font arial because it is classy and better than any other font. The newbie and I responded saying that time new roman is the staple classic, formal font and not arial. And he just went quiet.
He also gives a pretty selfish vibe when it comes to his resources. I see him as the competitive type. If he was a student, he is the type of student that doesn’t share notes. I think these kinds of people should think twice of becoming a mentor.
Going back to my story, I went back to the office. Then I proceeded to work. I was eating a cream-o and crumbs went all over his desk. He saw it, and told me to clean it, so when it’s his turn to sit on his desk, he can work effectively.
A little background why I was sitting there: I was allowed to work on his desk because he offered it himself. When the other lawyer joined us, I announced that I would be taking his seat because I get war flashbacks on the table where I initially work, because it reminds me too much of the table I shared with my toxic housemate before.
Going back to the incident. After he saw the crumbs and said his piece, I cleaned the table. There were crumbs that fell on the floor which he saw too. He told his secretary to sweep it, but the secretary didn’t sweep it right away.
That time, I stayed a bit longer than usual. The secretary still didn’t sweep it, so before I left, I told the secretary to sweep it for me. Still, the secretary didn’t sweep it. When he saw it again while I was going out, he asked his secretary to clean the floor. The secretary immediately cleaned it.
After that, he told me to give back the keys to his office. I was so confused. Like for real confused. Our initial agreement included that I can come whenever I feel like it in his office. It also included him telling things directly to me, about being honest. I also told him, the conflicts cannot be avoided so what I want from him is not to bad mouth me. I told him this directly because I heard he has such a bad mouth.
Since he took back the keys, I was really confused because it felt to me that I was not welcome at his office anymore. I thought he accused me of stealing something etc. I thought about the things that could possibly be the reason why he doesn’t want me to come there anymore. I even thought that maybe not informing him about whether or not I’m going to the office might be one of the reasons. When I tried to subtly get information from him, I realized that it must be because of the crumbs.
Maybe it was the crumbs. But I’m not really sure.
Maybe from the beginning he was already planning to get rid of me.
I don’t know.
My Reaction
What he did added to another layer of stress in my already stressed self. I had a lot of stress from work because our staff at work is being problematic. When he did what he did, I was not in a good place mentally. So me spiraling into self doubt and anxiety was inevitable. Before, I could convince myself out of any anxiety, nowadays, I just can’t. My self talk is no longer enough. I need a third person’s perspective to tell me I’m not over acting.
After talking to friends, I realized that I was not being overdramatic. He was just mean.
The way he went about the whole incident was quite mean spirited. I would not mind it if he had told me directly that he doesn’t want me to come to his office again because of the crumbs, or because he feels like I could affect his productivity. I would have accepted it, because at least he was honest. But his way of doing things is by lying to himself. He made it appear that he was not dismissing me. He didn’t want to because in the first place, he still wants to use my skill, because maybe he’ll need it in the future. He didn’t want to see himself as “bad”. By being passive aggressive, he was successful in making himself believe that he is as generous as he sees himself to be. But in truth, what he did was full of arrogance. It was evil. Immature.
He told me to give his keys back to his secretary. I told him I cannot take it back on that certain day because I can’t go to the office on that day. The day when I gave his keys back, I also decided to directly tell him that I would not be continuing our arrangement. Because what is the point of prolonging the agony when it will never work? The only way for me to remain in peace with myself and be stress free is to cut all ties with him. I also told the newbie about my decision, because I didn’t want her to be surprised that I’m no longer visiting there.
When I told him I was out of the arrangement, his response was cold. After that I blocked his number and muted him on Facebook so I would have nothing to do with him anymore. I’m planning to block him next year.
Coping
I was not in a great place mentally from the start. What got me to be at peace and rid myself of that layer of stress he threw my way is by analyzing him, his behavior, and his character. I watched videos about personality disorders. In my binge watching of these videos, I found a book that helped me contextualize what he did. The book is entitled The People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck. It had spirituality undertones, but it helped me contextualize what he did to me; the mental gymnastics he underwent just to rid himself of guilt, and what it really is.
Thanks to that book, I understood the incident. I was able to rationalize that what happened was not because I was useless or I was the bad one. Sure, to a certain degree I was at fault, because the crumbs were mine, but did it warrant his actions? It was so punitive and so mean. He was too full of himself.
Thanks to my research, I was informed that there is no point in fighting against these kinds of people. In their obsessive desire to protect their self image, they’d destroy others, even at the expense of themselves. The proper way of dealing with this type of people is to cut them off; to have nothing to do with them. For that reason, I decided to not care anymore.
I am also grateful to my Boss, his partner, and the staff at our office who supported me. I am thankful to family members and friends that also helped me navigate what he did to me. Thanks to them, I can be at peace now.
Someone I know wrote once how they tried so hard to climb the ladder of their career only to later realize that they should have thought more about it. They were so focused on trying to reach their “goal” that they forgot that with power comes responsibility.
Now I am in the same dilemma.
Last June, I have been promoted at work. Being promoted means I now have a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders. It also means that I end up knowing stuff that are not necessarily my job but can cause stress. On top of that, it opened up to some conflicts because now I get to interact with more people. I’m also forced to attend meetings. Some of these meetings are unplanned and surprise meetings. Because of this, it is at the top of my things-that-drain-my-energy list.
I don’t like meetings, especially meetings I don’t learn anything from.
I’m always tired. My goal this year was to improve my art and to draw more but I can’t do that because I end up falling asleep by the time I lay down to rest after arriving home. It was fine at first because I managed to keep my head above water. However, the one that caused this downward spiral is the realization that now the only thing I look forward to is payday. And apart from that, I have more responsibilities now as a breadwinner even though I am still starting my career.
Everything that I’m desperately holding on to with my own hands seems to be slipping past my fingers no matter how hard I grip them.
My friend told me that maybe I’m just negative. I don’t know. Maybe that’s the cause of all my problems but I believe that I’m just being realistic.
I hope things will get better and I can draw, read books, and write again.
I resolved last time that I would return to post entries in this blog but I got so busy that I haven’t been updating since December. Because I got tired of my Mom’s whining that she didn’t have money, I resumed finding a job last January 2023. After not hearing any callbacks to some of the applications I sent, I was on the verge of giving up searching for a job that fit my background. In the end, I decided that whatever job will do as long as I can earn money, so I decided to apply to be a call center agent. I talked with a friend and also got referred to a legal secretary job, so I ended up applying for that one too.
Applying for a call center job wasn’t easy. I had to wait for a full day just to finish tests and interviews. In the end, after a strenuous day and a half, I was able to pass. The day after, I had an interview with the legal secretary job. I also got accepted there. I couldn’t believe it at first because it was the first time my job hunting after getting interviewed was good. As I stated in my previous posts in this blog, I was often unlucky. I realized now that when I was interviewed to be a legal staff (not really but your job is to input legal info), my interview was the one who did not want me to pass because she asked me questions that really confused me. Of course because of that, my interview went aweful. However, that was their loss not mine. I was also not able to pass one with a similar job description. Maybe it was because I won’t be able to move easily to Bacolod or maybe it was because I was indecisive whether or not I would take the bar exams that year or now, I don’t really know. At that I was resolved to turn my back on every taking the bar exams again. However, the constant job rejections without even hearing the reason why I was rejected was getting on my nerves. The final nail to the coffin was not able to pass any legal related job even though I am a law graduate. I was really pissed that time. I felt as if my degree was of no use and I was just wasting time because in the end, they don’t look at your background, or the things you can do, they don’t consider you at all if you don’t know anyone there or if you don’t have any strong backing. They also ask you to take this ridiculous test that is maybe impossible to pass. I don’t know anymore. Those applications were my last straw so I end up taking the bar exams again.
After passing both of the jobs I applied for, I was made to choose between them of course. In the end, I went with the legal secretary job because it is close to my background. An interviewer also advised me that it is better for me to choose a job that is related to my background because it would be a waste. Even though the job seems heavy, the pay is more than what I am expected to receive as a call center agent. And it won’t be as exhausting as when working in a call center. To be honest, I really wanted to try working as a call center agent. Maybe if it had been eight years ago or so, it would be okay, but now, what I need is a full time job that is preferably related to my background.
When I started my job as a legal secretary. I was nervous. Having a difficult boss and work environment is fairly common so I wished deep in my heart that my boss and my colleagues will be okay. I’m really thankful that God heard my prayers. I have a lot of bosses. My direct superior is a gen z so she is pretty chill. I appreciate her so much because as long as I do my job, she doesn’t mind me having a day off or me getting under-time, or whatever. This also the same with our boss in our department. For a 70+ year old man he is pretty chill. He is not uptight at all. My other boss, she is our admin head, I think she is a bit stuffy but because she is pretty flexible and really good at communicating with others, you don’t get the vibe that she can be stuffy. She is a marites in the right way ahahha. I like her because she is always full of energy and a ball of sunshine.
My work is okay. It can be busy at times because my bosses own a group of companies, but it is tolerable. The owners are okay, they are not the type to overwork their workers, I guess. There are some employees that need to over time because of the type of their work but other than that they really respect people’s personal time. Maybe it’s a bit different for the admin staff. I’m part of the group chat for this and sometimes they are on call but my bosses don’t overdo it. I guess it’s fine that it’s not frequent.
Overall, I am satisfied with my job now. It’s what I was hoping for: good bosses, passable pay, good environment. I hope this year I can be licensed so I can move on to another step in the ladder of life.
Watercolor on A5 Etchr Sketchbook I was commissioned by a friend to redraw a still from the drama Word of Honor. I opened commissions early this year, but it wasn’t going well because I don’t know how to get clients. Moreover, I decided to take the the bar exams this year so I couldn’t focus […]
Commission
It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post. The last time I posted was last April! It’s far from my activities before 2018, but now I’ve decided to blog more, just like I did before. Since I’ve been quiet here, I am actually very active lurking on twitter. It’s not a good habit to have since you end up wasting your time doom scrolling. Since twitter has become insufferable nowadays, I decided to slowly drift away from it. It’ll be healthier, and I think I can achieve more if I do. Moreover, I’ve noticed that I also stopped journaling. I also aim to do that again this year and in the years to come. I’ve always enjoyed blogging and journaling on top of the drawing I do, and I am excited to get back into it!
Updates
Bar Exams
I’ve talked about taking the bar exams again and hoping to pass so I can have better chances of getting a regular job. I managed to actually take it again. I had a difficult time preparing because I thought I was slow and my concentration was not there. In the end, everything worked out. I finished studying the subjects and even practiced answering questions about them. I completed all the mock bar exams my review center conducted even though I thought I wouldn’t be able to. The reason why I thought this way was because, by the time the mock bar exams for remedial law arrived, I hadn’t finished studying the subject yet. Wait, the truth is, it’s not only remedial law that I couldn’t finish before the mock bar exams, I think I also didn’t finish studying political law. Even if this were the case, I still took them for the sake of practicing sitting down to answer an exam for four hours straight.
This is something I can say I am proud of.
The bar exams were still grueling, but this bar exam experience for me is hugely different from my first time taking it. I received a lot of support this time around. My mother even came to Cebu just to support me in taking the bar exams. Imagine! My siblings and relatives supported me as well. They prayed and gave me good vibes. I also went to Simala on the first Sunday of November to get blessed.
All the positivity helped me get through the exams. I did not feel lethargic when I took the exams. The only time I felt tired was when I took the civil law exam. The coverage for civil law is so draining that I was exhausted. To think that I even slept early so that I could wake up and finish studying for the last time before the exam. When I woke up, my head was spinning, and I felt a little woozy. I was joking about wanting the exam to be rescheduled.Yes, the exam was hard, but I think I managed to get through it because of my teacher’s notes and, of course, help from my family. I realized that my knowledge of Civil Law is not great. I relied on my teacher’s notes and on the things I studied. However, despite that, my understanding of Civil Law is really laughable.
I am optimistic about this year’s bar exams. I hope I can pass!
Aspirations
I took the bar exams again to get more chances at having a regular and stable job, but as I said before, this doesn’t mean I plan on giving up on doing art. I love drawing, and I still aspire to improve so that hopefully I can make a profit out of it. Money is not my main aim, though. I just want to experience becoming a full blown artist. Just because I don’t have a huge following at the moment and I probably won’t ever become “social media” popular doesn’t mean I cannot improve my art to the same level as these “social media” popular artists. Once I accepted that, I started to see things in a more positive way.
The truth is, I think I can become even better than these people. I always think that if some of these people can get commissions with bad art, why can’t I? It’s really just a matter of marketing yourself. That’s what it comes down to. I haven’t invested much in marketing myself. My drawing habit and motivation are focused on something reserved for things I enjoy; this may be why I can’t bring myself to draw something for a pair I don’t like. I aim to draw more personal artwork. I find it hard, but I must do it if I want to improve more. For this reason, I decided to make an art blog. I plan to invest in this site in the near future. This blog I’m writing for is a personal one, and the truth is, I just want this to be low-key, so this cannot be my main website. I have a lot of things I want to do regarding my art. I looked into marketing and advertising, and that stuff is so complicated. I am thinking of going slow, just like I did with this blog. The truth is, I was surprised that this blog has 140+ followers. I only made this as a reaction to a heartbreak I had in high school. This blog has helped me cope in a lot of ways, and that’s why I am grateful, but I wasn’t expecting people to actually follow this blog. Having followers is in itself surprising to me.
My main aim for the art blog is to create more personal illustrations. I have been so afraid of doing more personal stuff for fear of revealing too much about myself. While I write to express myself, I don’t find it to be as revealing as when I create art. I hope to create more artwork and to make a doujinshi soon. I want to become better at making comics. I want to make comics. I also wish to make an illustration book. That is the dream. To succeed in this endeavor, however, I need to improve my art. For this reason, I decided to make an art blog.
I have decided to take the bar exams again. Taking into account what has happened in the past few months, I realized that I have to take it and pass. This does not mean that I have given up on art. I will still pursue it, but in order to pursue it, I need to conquer the bar exams first. Life is getting harder and harder for our family, especially for my mom. The least I could do is to have a steady source of income. So I am taking it again.
All these years I have been working towards becoming a lawyer because that was expected of me. It is only just recently that I realized what I really want in life. However, I can no longer bring back the time that I wasted. That’s why I have to do something to make use of that time and my efforts. And honestly, I also had a hard time finding a job.
I’m already 28 years old. I’m getting old. I know everyone has their time and mine is probably just beginning but I need to make sacrifices. I am proud of my improvement as an artist. I’m still not in the place where I want to be but at least I know how to get there already. In order to get there, I need to pass the bar exams. Sad as it sounds. This is true. I hope I can do it. This makes me sound like a fickle person but I really have no choice. I realized I have no other skill (for now) but to study.
For the sake of my passion in art I have to do this!
It’s March already and I still have no job. Currently, I feel anxious and disheartened whenever I apply for a job. I wanted to get into a government job but I also applied for what I thought was something connected to my educational background but to no avail. I really regret not pursuing finding a job before studying law. After I graduated, I wanted to find a job right away, but they didn’t want me to and now here we are.
I only have one conclusion this time, my law degree is useless. I tried applying for a legal assistant position but I wasn’t chosen to be interviewed because I did not attend any training regarding legal work. A law graduate is a certified paralegal so I was confused why this was so. This is as regards my application with a government institution. I concluded that I wasn’t chosen because of bias. I know I wouldn’t be able to get in but I still tried. It kinda pains me. I feel so useless now. I feel like I really know nothing. I feel like I really wasted my time studying law. And now every time I apply for a job I just feel demotivated.
I am lost.
I feel so hopeless.
After doing a lot of thinking I finally decided not to pursue being a lawyer. Over the months that I was studying for the bar exams this year, I realized that deep inside I don’t really want to continue spending time on something that won’t make me happy. The stress is too much for me. Spending another year studying while my work experience is almost nil is not something that I appreciate. I have spent a lot of energy and risked both my physical and mental health trying to pursue this career but what did it give me in return? Nothing. Not even an ounce of happiness. There was only pain and suffering. I think I was just too stubborn to realize that it isn’t for me. Maybe I should’ve given up that time I actually tried to find ways to escape this hell. But I didn’t because I was proud to survive another semester.
Surviving semester after semester gave me validation. Graduating from a prestigious school boosted my ego. However, I did it all while being an empty shell. This lyric from the song In the end by Linkin Park,
“I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn’t even matter.”
now speaks volumes to me.
After struggling so hard, I think the last straw for me was failing the bar exams. It is like a slap to the face. I’ve moved on, but it made me realize that no matter what I do, no matter how I struggle, this path doesn’t give anything back to me. My relationship with it is extremely toxic.
People may think it is foolish to give up when I am so close, and maybe it is, but I don’t like it. I am tired of it. I don’t want to pursue it. I want to let go and build a future for myself–a future that takes into consideration the things that matter to me. Finding a job is difficult though. And this is the issue now. I hope I can be hired soon. My contract as a part-time instructor had already ended and I don’t plan on pursuing it anymore because the pay is bad. They complain that there is a lack of instructors, but the truth is, teachers, do not apply there because the pay is delayed for a few months. Imagine.
I can’t rely on anyone else especially those from my immediate family but I am glad that I have supportive friends. I know that I can ask them for help especially in job hunting. One of the reasons why I finally decided not to pursue law was how supportive my highschool friends are. We recently reconnected and I feel so blessed.
I just have to reach out. Things will get better. I hope.
This just proves that it pays off investing in friends. I may have been unlucky when it comes to my friends in law school but I managed to meet good and helpful people in highschool and in college. I thank God for that.
Notes from the Underground 