Without you I feel the emptiness like an ache, a disease in my soul.

I was thinking about a new chapter for my fanfic about Reishi being sick and absent from school and Mikoto missing him. This was what I think up:

Times without you is barren and empty. I walk in those bleak hallways hearing the pitter patter of my footsteps resonating with my heart. My thoughts drift away for a second, they flow, cascade, and then reunite with my broken glass thoughts of you. And then like being struck by lighting, you flow into my veins and into my heart and then for an instant those memories come together as one. I feel an ache in my heart and your apparition comes to me, comes to every corner of the room. I feel the world slowly distort before my eyes, trying to suffocate me. Then I realize, I’m missing you.

🙂 I hope I can continue the chapter because I still need to watch a couple of animes.

A Rueful Dusk

I was riding the jeepney, my thoughts cascading, adrift with the wind. I was looking at the changing scene of shops,  establishments, and skyscrapers. Jeepneys passing in the corners of my eyes, an the invisible rim encasing the insides of the vehicle. Focusing  its structures on an invisible view finder. Blinking streetlights, alternating from red to green, green to red.
My vision never left the changing scene outside, it was like a blurry backdrop, those kinds where only swift lines can be seen. I was stuck inside my reverie built on compromise, detachment and what ifs. Of solace, muffled sirens, raging engines and boiling kettles.

I was miserable.

Looking outside the scene as if I’m a bystander, looking at it with empty eyes, and a void deep inside. But then, that monochromatic scene burst into colors when I was pulled out from my reverie and back to reality. Back to harsh reality, where frivolities were predominant, frolic goodness and badness roam the streets. Where misery was omnipotent, sadness, the ruler and desolation his mistress.

Three people went inside the jeep. I couldn’t help not stare at them. I saw the mother, with her sharp teeth that look like a shark’s and her slim figure carrying her child. She was smiling a kind of smile that would melt butter, the kind you rarely see. I looked away, I didn’t like her countenance. And I was displeased with the presence of the child. He wore a tattered shirt with a big hole on the shoulder complimented by tarnished pants that had cartoon prints. I couldn’t describe him without being too harsh. Their father behaved like a rascal, laughing loudly, doting on his son. It was clear that they were not well off, but then I could see how happy they were just being with each other.

They were full of color, full of vibrance and hue. An ironic thing to how we were all submerged in our monochromatic world. It was as if they were the only ones alive there. The misery that was clinging to my soul was envious of how they were able to retain that positivity, that optimism. And I thought that maybe what I witnessed was what we call true happiness. Something that the parents were passionately about, and that was their son. How happy they were, that was the thing I couldn’t surmise. I have witnessed something heartfelt and warm. And I wanted to reach for that warmth.   It was a beautiful thing and wondered if perhaps at a certain point in time I could experience such a thing as true happiness.

Our meeting was our last goodbye.

I saw you one autumn day. Your eyes downcast, sitting on a bench with a book in hand. I stopped for a second to see if it’s really you. As I was basking in your beauty, I realized that It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. Its been so long since I’ve seen you. The pink leaves of the cherry trees swayed with the wind as I walked.

With every step closer towards you, my heart beats faster and faster. The crunching of the leaves beneath my feet sounded so loud that I couldn’t help but think that you could hear me coming. My eyes never left you, and for a second, I thought I saw you smile. A smile directed probably at the words you were reading. I thought my steps were loud enough, I thought that the crunching sound of the leaves as I step on them can break your reverie and make you look at my direction instead. Yet, you never looked back at me.

Reading, what are you reading? That’s what I wondered when I reached the bench where you were sitting. I sat at a normal distance beside you. My movements seemed to drown everything away yet you never lifted your hazel nut eyes away from your book. My mind was bustling with thoughts, I wanted to ask you so many things, I wanted to know how you’ve been, what happened to you all this years, why were you here? I tried opening my mouth, but then all I could muster up was a muffled cracked monotone of a stutter. Despondent, I gave up and turned my gaze towards the falling leaves of the cherry trees. How nice it would have been if I could.. if we could continue from where we left off. I subtle laugh came out my lips, faint like a whisper. As I stood up to go, my legs were reluctant to walk away from where you were, I still wanted to be with you for a moment. But then what can I do? I forced myself to withdraw from that place, set to walk away from you, from your life forever.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I could tell you that over and over again but I guess, those words will never reach you, they would just remain suspended in the air, mixed with the wind until it’s driven away into nothingness never scratching the surface of your heart. Did I hear you move? Did I hear you close your book? That I cannot tell. Ah, it’s time for me to go..

—

Are you afraid to tell her you loved her?

Nah, it wouldn’t matter anyway.