A Dream

Your ankles are beautiful he says to me as he lifts my foot just an inch high. I could hear a little bit splashing of the water in the basin as he begins massaging my left foot. It was the first time a part of my body got complimented. I was flustered, he told it with such an adoring smile that my heart skipped a beat. It was as if time stopped and the only thing that made me conscious about how this wasn’t a dream was the sound of the water and the touch of his hand on my skin. When he was done washing my feet, he kissed my knees and told me how he liked how bony I was. He liked how my knees could be sensitive and how he loved the way everything about my body makes him feel. He kisses me on the forehead and surprises me by jumping on to me, sprawling me on the bed where I was sitting. The windows were open and the curtains danced with the wind as we lay there. I looked away from him as his face was getting closer and closer to mine and then I felt him embrace me and that made me feel loved and thankful. My heart was burning, my head was spinning because of his warmth. I cuddle with him and respond with an embrace, I put my arms on his neck and crossed my carpals to lock our embrace. I breathe the air in, I smell a waft of his perfume and lingered on the smell. I pull him down to me and brushed my nose against the flesh of his neck, tightening our embrace. I love how you smell. I say to him. He withdraws from our embrace and looks at me a bit surprised and was a little flushed. He looked away and smiled faintly. He slump on the bed beside me and just like that we fell asleep.

When I woke up, there was no one beside me, there was no basin and spilt water on the floor, I was not in some summer house in a far off country where I could pick daisies and lay in dandelion fields. I was not dressed in a pretty white dress. I was inside my room, wearing my pyjamas. I clenched my hands, and accept the fact that it was only a dream.

09/25/14

I fell asleep trying to write my Philo of law paper. My progress is only 1% I didn’t get to write a whole page because I am still yet to read all of the pdfs that I downloaded.

I’ve been wanting to write about what happened to me yesterday. My guy friends asked me whether it was true that I’ve never been in a relationship in my entire life. Well, I was kinda surprised but yet I still answered and I told him that it was true. but if they could consider the imaginary boyfriends I had in my entire life then I have a lot already. I’m an otaku and most of my life, I’ve only been attracted to 2D characters, there are only a few people that I’ve been attracted to in my entire life, some of them I’ve only forced myself to like because if you don’t have a crush, that’s not normal they said, so I had to choose among my male classmates who I like the best. But that doesn’t constitute as a crush if its only influenced by external forces right? That’s what I believe, because in that case, that thinking was only planted into your mind and you start thinking like that too when in truth you don’t feel like that at all. You’ll end up liking that person because you were supposed to like him. You begin to notice that person and everything and indeed you’ll end being emotionally attached, but I guess that attachment is only to the extent that the two of you are always being paired or something like that. And probably if he likes you too then it will all be consummated and would heighten your attachment. But as I said earlier, it is only something that’s been planted into your mind, that you like him and nothing else. That’s how shallow it is. We that’s how it usually is for me most especially in my grade school years. -.- Always forced to have to like someone. But what really kinda upset me was when they asked, or he asked how many have had the guts to actually woo me. It all came back to me you know, how much I was bereft of love from the opposite sex. How much inexperienced I am in terms of that kind of relationship. How lonely I am all these years and how that kind of relationship like that matters in this time and age.

It doesn’t matter to me whether or not I have that kind of relationship with someone, in the end, I wouldn’t be satisfied and dealing with other people is a pain in the ass because you need to do things, and you’ll get pin down and I always referred to myself as a free spirit, I do not want to be stuck in one place, I don’t want to be pinned down to something that would render me unable to move, that would render me wholly dependent on something. I don’t want to lose my freedom. But sometimes, I must say I’d like to be kept in a cage by someone who genuinely loves me, someone who I also feel genuinely in love with. I don’t want other people to dictate what I want, when I want it but what’s happening to me now is the complete opposite of it. I have appeased my father by enrolling in law school and for that I am a hypocrite but sometimes, people like me who doesn’t know what they really want, also needs to be told what to do. But being told what to do is never a good thing, it makes you all servile all submissive and you end up not being able to speak up and decide for yourself. I want to live my life how I want to, but I can’t really decide what path to take. I want to paint, I want to be an Archeologist, I want to be a researcher, I want to be a poet, a writer, I want to be an Artist. But maybe because of this I’ll end up being a jack of all trades. A master of nothing. But I could be good at anything I want right? I could be more than the person I am know if I want to. It’s all a matter of time and effort.

But going back to the topic, I felt entirely alone at that moment and utterly unattractive. Thank goodness, my other guy friend (actually he’s gay) apparently brushed them off by a side remark and I end up not being able to answer the question, I was able to evade it. I know for certain that I would probably never be able to have the kind of relationship I really want. The kind I always imagine myself to be in. But it bugs me really. Will this revelation make me a target? -.- Eff I don’t want to deal with that kind of thing but if it comes my way then I have no choice but please… I’m kinda nervous, but then again, it doesn’t matter. tsk. Oh well.

09/23/14

This is one of those moments when I should be focusing on making notes for our exam but instead my brain has all these ideas that needs to be drawn and I end up not being able to concentrate at all.

09/22/14

Two minutes left and it would then be your birthday. I don’t exactly know why I’m remembering it like this, probably because for the past years, I always look forward to your birthday and when I was in third year, I intended to give you a birthday gift but I desisted, I failed to give it to you. There were many things that was going through my mind at that time. I could still remember the moment I bought that thing for you, I was arguing with myself, arguing and arguing but even then, I ended up buying it for you. But I couldn’t muster up the courage to actually complete what me and my friend was planning at that time. I was too afraid, and too weak to do anything.

I’m remembering the very first time you looked at me and that night when you and I danced (Arg. I’m flustered but I should force myself to go on writing this). I don’t know why the heck am I remembering this, I’m over you. Those feelings I had that I bottled up inside, that I tried to hide that I tried so hard to forget are all coming back to me but it’s as if I’m looking at them in a film kind of fashion, as if I’m watching a movie. It all seemed so distant, like something that I did not experience at all. And now, my mind is trying to conjure up stories that we could meet again, that we could talk again and at least be closer than we had ever before.

I once read a post in tumblr, about ‘what if the one who got away came back?’. When I read it, my heart skipped a beat, and I felt kinda nervous maybe because I was trying to erase the thought of you, I was trying to erase the possibility of us meeting again, and me falling for you all over again. You have someone now, and I think you’re happy with that person. I was happy that you finally found someone you want to be together with. I was happy for you, genuinely, sincerely. My heart did not break upon knowing about your relationship, and I wasn’t sad because of that. It was fine, I knew I you would never in my wildest dreams notice me. I accepted it maturely unlike those other girls that probably would be crying over it.

I remember that time when I really wanted you to be my partner in our JS Prom, that I was ready to risk everything, my dignity everything just to ask you to accompany me. But unfortunately the prom never happened. You and I, the development and everything is probably not meant to be. I tried having our picture taken as a memento, but the copies of those pictures were erased because the memory of the cam was corrupted. I wasn’t able to ask you to be my partner, and we never properly talked. Nothing really happened between us, but I’m thankful that it is in your hands that I fell and not to any other guy. I always thought that I’m blessed when it comes to these things. The persons I always get attracted to are not bad people. I’m actually a good judge of character and I fall in love with moments and subtle things that people don’t usually notice. The way I got attracted to you was weird.

F. I’m recalling all these things about you that I’m getting all flustered and all the feelings are coming back to me. I can’t put it all to words. But I guess, I’ll always be a maiden when thinking about you. I hope some day our paths will cross again and somehow we could be whatever we couldn’t be way back in college.

09/17/14

It’s four in the morning and here I am thinking about how I can make this feeling stop. My sadness have been revived and I wonder if whether or not what I told him was supposed to be actually directed to myself. Cheer up, don’t look so glum. I only realised that I was also sad when I went home. Ah, it’s hard. It’s really hard feeling like this, feeling like you’re not good enough, feeling that you are being left behind by others. You begin to think about the possible things that other people think, thinking that maybe they think of you as somebody inferior, somebody that’s insignificant. I don’ want to be that person, I don’t want to be a person who’s being thought of like that. I want to be a person that others look up to, but most of all, I want to be a person that I can be proud of.

I want to improve myself, I want to develop myself. She looked so happy, and I can’t help but think that maybe, she’s finally got the happiness she wanted and I’m here stuck at step one, picking up the pieces and trying to move on but couldn’t. I’m happy for her, and I think this time, she won’t think about using the mishaps of others to feel good about herself. She’s not that immature anymore but I still can’t help that maybe behind my back she’s thinking that she’s better than me. Just like that one time. I don’t want to think about these things because I knew she doesn’t think of it that way and its only my imagination but nonetheless.. *sigh*

I try to think about how I should solve my problem, but pondering on it too much makes me think that if I’ll end up being uptight about it as well, I might end up hating it the more. No, probably not, its just me trying to stop myself from actually be better. I imagine myself being so stingy and uptight at it but then I realised I wouldn’t probably hate it that much because for some reason, I feel happy doing the things that make me feel uptight. Isn’t it synonymous to me doing my best then? Then why should I stop myself from doing it? Maybe I should try to practice how to state my answer, how to phrase it and how to use the right words. I’ve aced some of it, and probably the thing that keeps me from hitting the nail on its head is that I don’t think before answering or something, I answer the first thing that comes to my head and I get blinded to the other stuff because of it. How should I do it then? I still need to do improve a lot about myself. Even the way I answer. I’m not that good really at oral recitations and I feel bad. I want to be better at it, I want to speak better because communication is really a plus in this kind of path that I am taking. I hope I can find a way soon for me to be able to move forward.

Maybe I was hurt about what our teacher said, that the other section is better than us. But sir, don’t you think that comment is a little unfair? Comparing us with the other section, it’s not like intelligence wise we are far behind, its just that probably the way we answered your exam was not to your liking. I personally think that even if we hit the right answer on the spot, it still doesn’t suit your taste, even if technically we have the same answer. It’s because you have the right answer and the right way to answer engraved in your mind. And I think it’s difficult for answers that are technically the same but different in the way it is answered than what you think is to overthrew the answer on your mind. You keep telling us that we must accept this fact, that sometimes you get swayed by your mood and its like that too in the bar exams. But if its true, what you said about the examiners’ attitude toward the bar exam takers, then that’s a pity. I think that they should really put effort in checking the papers of the examinees because these people took time and effort in studying for the said exams and not passing because there was no time anymore for checking their papers is really painful. It’s like you were not even given the chance to be heard. It’s sad. It’s very sad.

I have many things to be thankful for and more than that I have learned through my mistakes in the past. I have become quite satisfied with the results of my papers so far and I realised that it’s all because of what I’ve been through. My papers used to be crap, I don’t know how to write papers, I don’t know how to organise my thoughts and the like but now, I end up being surprised of my grades, it’s not that high but I guess it will do. But the thing that really surprised me was my score in our legal research class. I got 99 over 100 with the bonus points of course, and I was so shocked because it was the first, not really the first because last time, I got full points for a paper and couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t expecting that kind of thing to happen. Then, I got one of the highest scores in our class for our Philosophy of law class. I don’t know how I did it but for some reason I was able to do it, same with my Legal Profession subject. I was practically writing all the bullshit I knew and to my surprise got one of the highest scores in class. I surprise myself sometimes.  However, I feel kinda bad with my StatCon subject. I passed my pre-final exam but failed miserably in my midterm exam. I don’t know what will happen to me in the future but I still have hope that I will pass.

I really think that this hindrance will be the means for me to succeed. I’m beginning to think that if I’m able to tackle this, this will make me a better person like how failing miserably to the point of depression in doing my paper has helped me now. I’m thankful for a lot of things, and this challenge that God gave me means well to my development. I think if I’m able to pull off this StatCon thing, I’m going to grab my Persons pre-finals. All I probably need is to be vigilant of the probable answers to the question, elaborate on it and hit all the important points. Please let me be happy in the end like how I felt then when I had a very high score in our Legal research midterm exam.

Affirmation is really good, it really does, it makes you want to do your best more.

I like how from time to time you try to hold me gently when you’re in a good mood. I feel as though I’m experiencing another you that’s completely beyond my wildest imagination since you rarely do that.

When our body temperatures collide, your coldness seeps into my body and I wonder if you feel my warmth as much as I feel yours. It’s like we’re melting into one, like slipping into one another. It makes me think that maybe just a little I’ve gotten under your skin.

My tongue has gotten used to your kisses and there are times when I could still taste you even if you are no longer here. I can’t help but wait for your arrival desperately, counting the seconds, the minutes, the hours that dragged on until I can finally be in your arms again.

I know that the relationship that we have is only temporary. You only hold me like this to fill in the void inside of you. I’m merely someone convenient, and when you try desperately hard to hold back  your craving for my blood, you get me every time and I can’t help but fall.

You aren’t gentle, you are rough among other things and every time you touch me I feel my bones break but I don’t mind, I don’t mind at all, because you had me even before this affair started, even before we met.

I love the way you hold me, it doesn’t make me feel as if I am bound to you. I like the disconnect between our hearts, I like how close but how far we are. That’s why I couldn’t ask for anything else.

Do I wanna know?
If this feeling flows both ways
Sad to see you go
Was sorta hoping that you’d stay
Baby we both know
That the nights were mainly made for saying
things that you can’t say tomorrow day

This drawing is inspired by Arctic Monkey’s AM Songs in general. The lyrics is from their song Don’t I wanna Know. The song is very beautiful, it’s like every line in that song is a masterpiece. I also posted this to my tumblr account. 😀

I bought art materials last time so I’m back at drawing portraits like this one. 🙂

Cognitive Avalanche

I feel a void inside my chest while these thoughts keep piling inside my head. I try to escape the clutches of darkness yet I couldn’t pull out my feet from this mushy water of sadness. I wait for a blessing, for something good to come along but all I get for this tattered heart is a thunderstorm. I sew back the pieces of my heart thinking that this too shall pass but this is becoming a cycle, and I could not longer stop myself from crumbling too fast.