09/22/14

Two minutes left and it would then be your birthday. I don’t exactly know why I’m remembering it like this, probably because for the past years, I always look forward to your birthday and when I was in third year, I intended to give you a birthday gift but I desisted, I failed to give it to you. There were many things that was going through my mind at that time. I could still remember the moment I bought that thing for you, I was arguing with myself, arguing and arguing but even then, I ended up buying it for you. But I couldn’t muster up the courage to actually complete what me and my friend was planning at that time. I was too afraid, and too weak to do anything.

I’m remembering the very first time you looked at me and that night when you and I danced (Arg. I’m flustered but I should force myself to go on writing this). I don’t know why the heck am I remembering this, I’m over you. Those feelings I had that I bottled up inside, that I tried to hide that I tried so hard to forget are all coming back to me but it’s as if I’m looking at them in a film kind of fashion, as if I’m watching a movie. It all seemed so distant, like something that I did not experience at all. And now, my mind is trying to conjure up stories that we could meet again, that we could talk again and at least be closer than we had ever before.

I once read a post in tumblr, about ‘what if the one who got away came back?’. When I read it, my heart skipped a beat, and I felt kinda nervous maybe because I was trying to erase the thought of you, I was trying to erase the possibility of us meeting again, and me falling for you all over again. You have someone now, and I think you’re happy with that person. I was happy that you finally found someone you want to be together with. I was happy for you, genuinely, sincerely. My heart did not break upon knowing about your relationship, and I wasn’t sad because of that. It was fine, I knew I you would never in my wildest dreams notice me. I accepted it maturely unlike those other girls that probably would be crying over it.

I remember that time when I really wanted you to be my partner in our JS Prom, that I was ready to risk everything, my dignity everything just to ask you to accompany me. But unfortunately the prom never happened. You and I, the development and everything is probably not meant to be. I tried having our picture taken as a memento, but the copies of those pictures were erased because the memory of the cam was corrupted. I wasn’t able to ask you to be my partner, and we never properly talked. Nothing really happened between us, but I’m thankful that it is in your hands that I fell and not to any other guy. I always thought that I’m blessed when it comes to these things. The persons I always get attracted to are not bad people. I’m actually a good judge of character and I fall in love with moments and subtle things that people don’t usually notice. The way I got attracted to you was weird.

F. I’m recalling all these things about you that I’m getting all flustered and all the feelings are coming back to me. I can’t put it all to words. But I guess, I’ll always be a maiden when thinking about you. I hope some day our paths will cross again and somehow we could be whatever we couldn’t be way back in college.